Sometimes I wonder if this is what I want. If I am even capable of acting. I fear perhaps I am not good enough or am too introverted, too in my head , too self conscious to achieve acting brilliance. I felt so much of that day. Apart of me wanted to quit. To go back to the states and get a masters in International Studies and world religions.
Today wasn't a particularly strenuous day . Really no more difficult than any welcoming task , getting to know yous , retreat type of exercises. But I realized that there are so many of my vulnerabilities exposed. It's so hard for me to not be critical of myself , to not compare myself. I suppose I feel misplaced . . . even still in an environment filled with artist and actors. I feel as if something is missing. I miss that sense of exploration , questioning of self and society and redefining what it means to be a woman of color , to simply be. It's like I had discovered something wonderful and powerful and now I've lost it. I'm estranged from the momentous force that drove me to create and imagine. I hate it . . . vulnerability . . . weakness. It may be strange but I never viewed myself as an actress. My heart does not settle with such a word. I am so much more.I want to do so much more than just be someones puppet.
It's hard sometimes.
I am still an intellectual and I miss that mental stimulation and work. Grant it we have a context class, which I will go to tomorrow but still I miss college classes, as weird/nerdy as that may be.
I have so many reservations that I find it hard to allow myself to try at times. I know this is good for me and it is what I need. But I really missed my sisters and friends. Having people you trust to confide in and express yourself. Now it is not the fault of the people around me, they don't know me and I them. For I am sure they are going through a similar experience of not having your true friends near you. For we all have , am or will face challenges along this journey. Still , the blanket of comfort is missed.
It's funny you know .
When you imagine your journey , the trials and tribulations along the way. You envision their intensity , their challenges , the effort you must muster to confront them, overcome them. And of course you STRIVE with EASE. Yet . . . when you arrive there . . . those images you captured and envisioned are no where near the ease you had imagined. You forget your insecurities , your fears , your hindrances, your mental inhibitions. All obstacles are not even taken into consideration when you think of trials. So when you come upon them . . . you freeze, freak out.This was my day .
I realized so many things , once again about me. Perhaps that is good . Easy? No. Scary ? Yes. Having to be honest with self is . . . raw. We build walls upon walls upon walls upon walls of barriers from not only others , but ourselves. We keep our realizations , our truths to ourselves. And we burry them. Run from them. I realized today. I can't. For if I do . I do not succeed. I will not be able to accomplish the very things I live for , I believe. So in a sense I must go forth and bite the bullet , the pain , the agony of change.
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