?!?!?! Do You Question Sometimes ?

Sometimes I wonder if this is what I want. If I am even capable of acting. I fear perhaps I am not good enough or am too introverted, too in my head , too self conscious to achieve acting brilliance. I felt so much of that day. Apart of me wanted to quit. To go back to the states and get a masters in International Studies and world religions.
Today wasn't a particularly strenuous day . Really no more difficult than any welcoming task , getting to know yous , retreat type of exercises. But I realized that there are so many of my vulnerabilities exposed. It's so hard for me to not be critical of myself , to not compare myself. I suppose I feel misplaced . . . even still in an environment filled with artist and actors. I feel as if something is missing. I miss that sense of exploration , questioning of self and society and redefining what it means to be a woman of color , to simply be. It's like I had discovered something wonderful and powerful and now I've lost it. I'm estranged from the momentous force that drove me to create and imagine. I hate it . . . vulnerability . . . weakness. It may be strange but I never viewed myself as an actress. My heart does not settle with such a word. I am so much more.I want to do so much more than just be someones puppet.
It's hard sometimes.
I am still an intellectual and I miss that mental stimulation and work. Grant it we have a context class, which I will go to tomorrow but still I miss college classes, as weird/nerdy as that may be.
I have so many reservations that I find it hard to allow myself to try at times. I know this is good for me and it is what I need. But I really missed my sisters and friends. Having people you trust to confide in and express yourself. Now it is not the fault of the people around me, they don't know me and I them. For I am sure they are going through a similar experience of not having your true friends near you. For we all have , am or will face challenges along this journey. Still , the blanket of comfort is missed.
It's funny you know .
When you imagine your journey , the trials and tribulations along the way. You envision their intensity , their challenges , the effort you must muster to confront them, overcome them. And of course you STRIVE with EASE. Yet . . . when you arrive there . . . those images you captured and envisioned are no where near the ease you had imagined. You forget your insecurities , your fears , your hindrances, your mental inhibitions. All obstacles are not even taken into consideration when you think of trials. So when you come upon them . . . you freeze, freak out.This was my day .
I realized so many things , once again about me. Perhaps that is good . Easy? No. Scary ? Yes. Having to be honest with self is . . . raw. We build walls upon walls upon walls upon walls of barriers from not only others , but ourselves. We keep our realizations , our truths to ourselves. And we burry them. Run from them. I realized today. I can't. For if I do . I do not succeed. I will not be able to accomplish the very things I live for , I believe. So in a sense I must go forth and bite the bullet , the pain , the agony of change.

First Day of School :)

The heart beats, anxious to take that oh so deep breath in the morn. Awaken eyes , chest rise , nose inhale waken this soul for she . . has a story to tell.
See I must use the instruments , the tools , the natural alarm clock in my body to wake me up in the morning since I do not have a phone and I blew out my ipod deck :( However, I have become more in tune with my body and have learned how much control my thoughts have over my body. SUCH a minor yet KEY piece of knowledge to invest in. After I got myself together for the today I as off to class down the 10 minute path that leads directly to school. The day bore a grayish gloom amongst the vibrantly green trees , lawns and leaves. I told my housemates , whom walked amongst me how strange it was to be walking in 60 some odd degree weather while it is 100 degrees in Cali.
Once we arrived on campus I surprisingly felt not an inch of nerves. I suppose because I had anticipated this day for so long I was just ready for it . Once class started, we were informed by our professor Monique Wilson who seems like an amazing person and teacher, as well as the Director of the school Leon Rubin . The more I hear about the foundation , the mission and the purpose of the curriculum of the school I know God has placed me in the perfect spot. I was afraid that being in England at a British Theatre Arts Masters Program their strict classic teachings would disrupt the voice that I have found and begun to love. To my surprise , I believe the school will actually strengthen it. From our professor to the Director of the school they have voiced that they embrace change and are lovers of cultural differences and similarities. Our program in particular wants to bring out the best of our abilities and strengths as well as strengthen our weakness. I'm a bit scattered brained on this but as we continue I will be able to articulate more precisely the methods and teachings of East 15.
After our meeting in Acting class, which consisted of life changing experiences and since I didn't want to get too too deep I talked about the time that Dad , Mom , Austin and I went to Yosemite and so smartly decided to hike down to the Valley. Yes Mom , as I told the story i was laughing with tears , but oh I sure told the class how we were pretty much crying with different kinds of tears . . . anger and pain might be one lol
Well after Acting we had a break then Movement which I LOVED. I even got some scene ideas for a new play/project I have been fooling around with. There was a lot of isolation and focusing on various parts of the body at one time. Like yoga in sense really. We then had lunch , which I enjoyed at my friend Bonny's house , a States international student in my class from Irvine. After a good meal and discussion, we headed on back to school and OKAY wait haha we had lunch THEN movement. Anyways, haha after movement we had singing , which I was SO excited for . However, it was not as structured as I was anticipating it to be. We all sang together in one group , a four part song , without the teacher taking time to know our vocal ranges and abilities. I believe it is backwards to work as a group first and then work on our vocals individually, since not everyone has a singing background. Regardless, I will make the best of the situation, as is required for one to do in order to succeed in learning all one can.
Well, that is the gist of things at the moment , Many more details to run over but I don't want to bother you with such :) Hope you are all well , you are in my prayers and wishing you a wonderful day/night :D

Lovin' Self & Fillin Your Soul With Empowerment :)

I wanted to post this on my page to inspire you and tell you all how BEAUTIFUL you are , for simply being you. Love yourselves with ALL your being :) Cause you are so wonderfully made and loved <3

London Needs a Revolution

Today I went into London and there I discovered oh so many things about myself and about life in London for Africans ( I am assuming since no one is consider Black). See I leave in the outside boroughs of London , technically I don't leave in London but rather Loughton in Essex County. It is BEYOND beautiful out here! There is so much greenery and fresh air . The houses are absolutely beautiful . They run side by side parallel to black paved thin roads that run free across the hills that ascend and descend. These beautiful red brick houses seem to shine in the days sun. I am truly a countryside girl. So you could imagine my shock when I walked off the tube into the smoggy daylight of Oxford Circus , with grey buildings shooting into the sky , blocks of pavements holding the weight of the crowd. There were so many people, hundreds upon hundreds of people, all kinds of nationalities and ethnicities pacing at slow and fast paces.

As I walked through the crowded streets , seemingly upstream , rivers of people attacked me. Assuming that I should move aside, sad to say , I bumped into a few people here and there ;) Aside from the crowd the most upsetting thing to me was the numerous of African women wearing weaves , wigs , braids , perms . . . everything that could be died fried and pressed to the side. It hurt me to the core. the lack of love for Black hair that seemed to resonate through the air. I wanted to take out my braids at that very moment. I couldn't believe nor had any idea that Black women . . . more correctly African women were not as accepting of their natural hair. So I decided right then and there that London has NO IDEA what they are in store for. I'm going natural and taking all these women by storm . I am determined to get the African women of England to embrace there African- ness and naturalness. So I have A LOT of work to do .But with the Lord on my side and my determination I'm ready to take it on :D

International Students Stand OUT

Yesterday I meet the majority of people in my class. There are eight Americans , two of those who I auditioned with. Then there are four people from Greece , an Italian girl ( who , yes I will be speaking Italian too ) , a Russian , two people from Jordan , a Canadian girl , a Brazilian girl and some others whom I can not recall form where. I clicked of course with the loud California girl haha and then the crazy Brazilian girl. These girls are too much fun. We all clicked and everyone was friendly, grant it it is the first time we meet but there was a good energy in our group. We're all planning to travel into London together as well as to our home towns so that we can travel the world . . . or well most of Europe haha. The entire time we were making fun of how loud we were and how we might as well have a flashing sign signaling everyone that we are international students lol. We was clear as day but we rejoiced in our individualities.

Today we have I guess you could say a fair , with tables filled with information for our school year and our stay in England. Just a bit of info but I'm sure I will have more to share once.. ..OH okay so this is tripy. Last night I had a pretty intense dream , I think mainly because my body was in limbo of being half awake and half asleep so I experienced that paralysis that happens when the body is coming or going into a dream. ANYWAYS. So during that time I dreamt that my other housemate was moving in with her mom and dad. Then this morning they moved in !!! The strangest thing really .haha Thought I share. Another side note. It's strange to be the only one with an American accent . I feel like everyone else is speaking a different language. It's bizarre. I suppose it will take a getting use to.

Hello There London

Butterflies swarm in my stomach at 6 in the morning waking me up to the summers sun. As I finish the tasks needed before taking off to London I say my see you later's to family and friends and share my favorite Italian sandwiches with my grandparents.

We arrive at the airport with plenty of time to spare. I got on my plane with ease and the flight was steady with good movies and plenty leg room. As the plane wheels bumped about onto the UK soil a smile creeped upon my face. I had made it , yet still I knew there was much more to encounter before I could fully count my success. Me and the other passengers ventured out into Heathrow Airport with eagerness as we entered into our individual English adventures. We were then parted by our different paths, some towards another flight destination , the rest to the border check. Again we are divided . A line for UK/UEA citizens , First Time Students and then everyone else. When I entered into the line I realized that I needed to have my offer letter . . . which I did not have. Trying to keep cool I approach the man behind the podium and he asks me for my offer letter. I kindly tell him with an innocent sweet smile, praying he lets me through. After I tell him I do not have it , he scolds me for a brief moment and then tells me that i'm lucky cause he's in a good mood, not that I could tell haha, but it was fine by me cause he said he would have cancelled my visa. Thanking God as I walked through I quickly raced my eyes around the airport trying to look nonchalant , not appearing to be too obvious of a newbie. As I race towards the baggage claim I run into a young man that was on my plane. He asked me where I am from in US and I tell him Pasadena and to my surprise he tells me he is from Claremont !! We discuss Claremont for sometime and then proceed to exchange info since he too is studying in London. Proceeding on to getting to the Tube ( the underground train) I find out that there is no way for me to carry all the luggage I have with me. So I call a taxi which was only 60 pounds, much better than previously priced at 160 pounds plus. Once in the cab the raindrops begin to fall upon the windshield , an almost lulling trance that sung my eyelids to sleep. Falling asleep in between conversations with the cab driver we pass thin freeways, green pastures and trees with industrial buildings and red brick houses. 45 minutes later we arrive in Loughton , a quaint little town with red brick houses and green green trees. I love the atmosphere , it feels surreal as if I was walking on a set or a street in Disneyland. My apartment is more of a narrow three story house. My room is cozy with a bit of a tropical twist to it , with a light blue door and a yellow desk. The house is so homey, I feel like i'm at home . Tayah and her boyfriend are great! She took me around Loughton and showed me the town and we went to the grocery store to get some stuff for my room and some food. We must have walked for an hour or so . But it felt like minutes. Loughton is so beautiful even with the rain. Once we arrived back I cooked a pizza , turned on the television and began to watch America's Next Top Model. I'm no longer tired which at 11 at night isn't too abnormal but I'll probably go to bed soon. Well tomorrow is the picnic where all the new students arrive and come to eat and commune with one another. So I'm sure I will have more to say . Till then, CIAO BELLE !